18 December 2016

Losing my Mom to Parkinsons

I'm a horrible daughter. When my mom got sick, I didn't realize how time was running out. Instead of focusing on our difficult situation and finding ways to make more out of our time, I tried to avoid it-her-the-whole-situation.

I got angry at her because I thought she was just playing the victim and that she didn't even try to fight her disease. It was really a losing battle with a patient not willing to give a fight. Or maybe I was wrong all along? Maybe she was really trying her best but I just didn't stop to look at her progress? Maybe with a weakening body and mind, that was all she had to give?

I've always imagined what it would be like getting that dreaded phone call. Who among our family members would call... what would they say... basically the whole scenario. And then one day, I just got it. My sister called me up saying "come home." I immediately burst into tears even if she hasn't said anything because I knew what this was about. There were two people starting at me and I didn't give a damn if there were tears. After 30-seconds, I tried to compose myself and tried to stop crying. Shit, I didn't even have a hanky. All I had was tissue.

I tried to think about the day before. What was I doing? Did I even talk to her? What were the last things I said? And honestly, it was a blank. I didn't even get to say the things I wanted. I didn't get to do the things I wanted to do. Does she even know that I loved her? All I remembered was me being irritated at her all the time. I'm a horrible selfish daughter.

I miss thinking about what food to bring home to mom. You see, she can't swallow "real" food anymore, so it was quite difficult to find options. I miss those Saturday nights where I would be the one assigned to sleep next to her. I would surf Youtube or blog during the wee hours while checking if she was already asleep. I miss those Sunday mornings where I'd watch Animal Planet at 6 a.m. and I'd feed her oatmeal or give her chocolates saying we'd keep it a secret and not tell my ate. Frankly, I just miss my mom.

She was the trendiest of all her friends and she was the only person who I knew could pull off blue eyeshadows on brown eyes. I wish there was a cure for Parkinsons Disease so we could've been kikay together. The brands I remember mostly from her collection were Revlon, Clinique, and Estee Lauder. I would've never been familiar with those brands if it wasn't for her.

I miss you mom and I think about you every single day. I wish you knew how much I love you even though I never said it or showed it. I'm sorry for being a horrible daughter. I wish we had more time so you could've taught me about life, how to make decisions, how to drive a car, how to save money, how to make a loan, how to choose jewelry, how to be sociable, how to wear animal prints, how to wear blue eyeshadow... There's just so many things I can't ask you now.

I love you so much and I just wanted you to know, I will keep your vintage lipstick holder forever. After all, you are the first person to introduce me to world of beauty. I just wish we had more time.


  1. Same thought I have everyday "I miss you mom and I think about you every single day." and naiyak ako habang binabasa ko ate. My mom passed away last 2014 due to illness too.

  2. ohh, madami nga daw naiyak nung binasa nila to. umiiyak din ako habang sinusulat to. sana magkaron ng cure!